As an empath, boundaries have always been hard for me. But surprisingly I've always done well in school and the workplace. In fact, I enjoy the workplace because boundaries are clear! Expectations are laid out and I do what I'm told. If I don't do something, I am corrected. If I am doing a good job, I am rewarded. It is not messy and I don't have to second guess myself if I am doing it right or not. That's how I feel in a professional setting with a good manager with appropriate boundaries. Someone who is consistent and fair and doesn't waiver on how situations are dealt with due to personal turmoil in his/her life. Emotions are not part of the work place. I don't have to take things so "personally." How great is it when you can feel misunderstood and ask for clarification and get a response! My intimate relationships are far from enjoyable. So I started to ask myself, how can I implement some of these "professional boundaries" into my personal life? what would it look like and how would it feel?
What if I had the courage to say what I expected from my relationships? What if I said, if these needs are not met, then I will not be happy and the relationship will be terminated no questions asked. Are you afraid that your list will be too long? Are you afraid that no one will meet your standards? I bet if you wrote down what you need, the list will not be that long. I bet if you wrote down things that you are willing to compromise it would be a reasonable amount of things. I bet if you were to write down deal breakers, the list would be very short. The hard part is to stick to your contract. Yes we learn and grow but until then, honor who you are at the moment. Making goals is positive, but acknowledge what you need in the moment is equally if not more important. If you and your partner are willing to agree then you are off to a good start. (have your partner do the same) The scariest part is that your partner will not agree and the relationship will go no further. Yes this is tough, but what is tougher is trying to make someone change and experiencing all of the unnecessary suffering. As hard as it is, say no, and trust that you will find what you are looking for.
The next time I am interested in starting an intimate relationship, I will take a step back and breathe. As excited as I am to not be "alone" anymore, I must really look at who I am about to date and why. Do I just want to be loved? Do I just want to have someone to do stuff with? Do I want to have good sex? What am I looking for in a partner, and be honest with yourself. If you are just wanting to be wanted, be aware that you will put up with a lot of things that you aren't agreeable to just to get that love. If you want to be with someone just because of sex, then be aware you may be entering into a relationship with little intellectual stimulation and it will get irritating if you enjoy good converstation. Don't get mad at your partner for not having good conversation, they never said they were an intellect and you knew it from the beginning, don't try to change that. It is hurtful. Be aware is the point. What do you want in a relationship, what are you willing to give? Write it down, be clear, dig deep. You might be alone for longer than you want to be but being alone is better than being in a dysfunctional relationship if what you are really looking for is love. I believe in love and I believe it will happen for all of us once we are honest and clear with ourselves. And even if we don't find love in this lifetime, you are setting yourself up for a future of love. Don't be afraid to be alone, you can make friends with people animals and plants, you can dedicate your time to humanity, there are many ways to live and love. Don't settle for someone you don't want, it will make life miserable for both of you and it blocks soul work. It is hard to say goodbye to someone you love even though you know deep down its for the best. You have to be willing to walk away and know that it is for a reason. There is personal growth to be gained and if you are like me, there is nothing more important than following your heart, even if it leads you through heartbreak.